I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
