when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
