why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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