Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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