You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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