I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
