I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
