why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
