Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
