Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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