I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
