hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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