quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
