Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
