Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
