my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
