U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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