I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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