WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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