your parents love me but you hate me
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
