she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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