Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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