The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
