TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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