I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
