Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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