They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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