just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
