I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
