so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
