There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
