awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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