I wanna bring you to show and tell
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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