my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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