My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
