3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
