if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
