i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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