I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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