Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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