My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
