no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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