im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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