Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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