Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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