If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
