she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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