i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
