Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
