Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
