i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
