For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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