just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
