Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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